No More Poetry

I was trying to write poetry but now it's turned into sort of a blog
I'll break it down like poetry
since it's
easier to read.

Anyways,
I am terrified
I don't know what is true anymore
am I as horrible as he makes me seem
because I feel like I am doing the best that I can

And apparently me doing the best that I can
is proving to you that I am not
AWESOME
and that
worries me

a lot


Am I really this
empty
and
unloving
selfish
person?

Because
I don't know what I will do
if I am, I mean I feel like that sometimes
but deep down I know I am worth something
and that I am able and capable and loving and
I have a lot of love to give but the problem is that

I can't forgive you.
I know I am dragging this on but
I think that's what it is I mean
that and other things like
your attitude towards things is so straight forward and crisp
your lack of playfullness, playfulness only comes out in bad situations and
what about your constant judging of me as a mother
a normal conversation between us -

What did he eat for dinner?
- broccoli, chicken nuggets and red potato fries
Good thing I left that chicken in the bag huh?
- no he had frozen chicken nuggets
Oh so he didn't eat well then

I give my son pure chicken breast only, organic, vitamen fortified chicken nuggets.

And this is how it goes
it's the same with his other children
"when she was living with me she didn't ----------- she wasn't -----------"
"ever since shes with her mother she ---------- and ------------- and her mother is putting all her own insecurities on her"

I know you can't forgive me either.
I lied, a lot. I broke down and broke you down, a lot.

I can forgive you for everything, except giving up on me when I was a child.
I can forgive you for everything, except for trying to constantly mold me.
I can forgive you for everything, except for not allowing me to grow with a father.

I tried to get past that, by trying to create something else.

This.

I tried to get past that by being a family in a different way.

This.

But all

This.

did was break us down even more and tear us apart.
We both wanted something that we were missing but instead now we have ended up with what we both wanted most in the beginning

each other.

I don't know

This isn't a poem. This is a rant.
This is what I am going through. The emptiness in the pit of my stomach being filled by mindless articles of -
clothing,
makeup,
poles,
and fast food.
Yet the hole is never full and I always wonder why I feel like this. I always wonder why don't people see my pain and fall to their knees in disbelief like "how do you endure your own mind"
How do you get rid of yourself? Without getting rid of yourself I mean I want to live.
But not like this.
You know the feeling you get when your on stage and someone comes up with a dollar and you get down on all fours and shake your ass like never before and you slide you shorts down because you need that extra twenty dollars to pay the club so you can leave with enough to pay the minimum on the credit card.
You know that moment when you it's time to leave the club,
and you get one last $20 dance to go towards your house fees,
then that one late joe shows up and wants to do a $200 dollar dance and you cannot refuse even though you have to get up for work in 3 hours -
because you need to pay for that pregnancy test and the rest is necessary to fill the hole if it's positive I mean you ask me where my money is going but it's just going to the pit of my stomach and being shit out and shit on and why is this happening to me because I am still,
not happy.
You know that feeling when all of a sudden your bills are higher and the club is slower and you saw a girl fingering another girl for an extra 10 bucks I mean how does a clean dancer compete against that.
That feeling that you get that you know you don't have to do that. But you wonder,
how they do it?
That feeling when you realize school is about to start and your bills are going up and the girls are getting raunchier and you refuse to measure up and you feel alone and the baby is crying and now he's hungry but you're too tired and so the money leaves your hands and the chicken nuggets hit his mouth and you hate yourself.
What about that feeling when you are happy again but he's not. What about that feeling you get when you realize.
When you realize that you're alone and you know that you will never be understood and your tears are rolling down your face behind the desk but smiling on the stage.
You know that feeling?