No More Poetry

I was trying to write poetry but now it's turned into sort of a blog
I'll break it down like poetry
since it's
easier to read.

Anyways,
I am terrified
I don't know what is true anymore
am I as horrible as he makes me seem
because I feel like I am doing the best that I can

And apparently me doing the best that I can
is proving to you that I am not
AWESOME
and that
worries me

a lot


Am I really this
empty
and
unloving
selfish
person?

Because
I don't know what I will do
if I am, I mean I feel like that sometimes
but deep down I know I am worth something
and that I am able and capable and loving and
I have a lot of love to give but the problem is that

I can't forgive you.
I know I am dragging this on but
I think that's what it is I mean
that and other things like
your attitude towards things is so straight forward and crisp
your lack of playfullness, playfulness only comes out in bad situations and
what about your constant judging of me as a mother
a normal conversation between us -

What did he eat for dinner?
- broccoli, chicken nuggets and red potato fries
Good thing I left that chicken in the bag huh?
- no he had frozen chicken nuggets
Oh so he didn't eat well then

I give my son pure chicken breast only, organic, vitamen fortified chicken nuggets.

And this is how it goes
it's the same with his other children
"when she was living with me she didn't ----------- she wasn't -----------"
"ever since shes with her mother she ---------- and ------------- and her mother is putting all her own insecurities on her"

I know you can't forgive me either.
I lied, a lot. I broke down and broke you down, a lot.

I can forgive you for everything, except giving up on me when I was a child.
I can forgive you for everything, except for trying to constantly mold me.
I can forgive you for everything, except for not allowing me to grow with a father.

I tried to get past that, by trying to create something else.

This.

I tried to get past that by being a family in a different way.

This.

But all

This.

did was break us down even more and tear us apart.
We both wanted something that we were missing but instead now we have ended up with what we both wanted most in the beginning

each other.

man

What I don't get is why I feel like this
Where is my super hero waiting to sweep me because I am waiting

Then I'm like fuck that

I don't need shit!

I just need money and I work my ass off for that money
buying another wig today ighhhhhhhhhhh

my credit card bills though.
fuckinnggg helll I can't wait to get high.

I have to say

Why don't you ask Erica to bring your demon child up to see you
instead of asking me to bring my sweet angel,
I mean I am not trying to corrupt him with our arguments
we don't get along
I don't care anymore,
clearly.

I don't want to see you
or smell you
or hear you

you bring pain, judgement and hardness that I do not need

I have enough

You have enough children to see

pick another one

or

you can just give up on him too like you give up on the others like,
I don't care anymore what benefit are you
will you teach him how I drive for miles for sex drugs and alcohol

I hate you

Hate

I don't know
When people smile at me I just hold back tears
because I don't have any real smiles left

Jaded -

I'm done. With. It. All.

I only care about my son.
Everyone else literally can go to hell or pay me

either way

When he turns his back on me
I will have my money

and things will be ok
He won't be a baby forever

I'm that Bitch

Not in a good way

My favorite customers have a ring on their finger

My favorite stories involve brutality of a women

I masturbate to rape

It's so beautiful

Degrading

Apparently being a stripper is "degrading"
and I am "too good" and "worth more

But am I have a desk job too,
I think I am worth enough to be able to go to the bathroom without getting in trouble
I should be able to wipe my ass after

but I can't because the phone is ringing and if it rings more than 3 times I get written up

It doesn't matter if I wipe my ass or wash my hands.

I guess my time is worth 12 dollars per hour
I guess it's worth it to be constantly taken for granted

ridiculed this way and that
make cookies at ten but don't leave your desk
make sure the bistro is stocked but dont leave your desk

I guess thats what I'm worth

at least if I'm a stripper and I need to take a shit I can do it whenever I want without any repercussions I mean imagine that.

This is my life

Finally

Horny
As hell today

aayyyee

Ready to get my sexy on

Hello niggas I am ready to take that money
Let's put this sexy to use.

No Seriously

Why aren't male prostitutes shamed for letting women suck their dicks?

OH YEAH I FORGOT

What

One day
I will meet someone
Who thinks like me and feels like me

and then I will know that there is some good in the world because
right now


There Is No Hope

I REFUSE to conform to your idealistic expectations of what a women should be and will CONTINOUSLY REBEL to make my point and I will CONTINOUSLY MEET different women for all walks of life to reassure them,


and tell them
to remember to
say

fuck you


do not conform.

Feminism

I am getting more and more annoyed
and want to rebel more and more
and get my white shirt and get it wet and walk through the frozen section of the grocery store and say fuck you to everyone that is looking at me funny

Oh God I can't even get into this without becoming extremely enraged.

"You can't be a stripper and a feminist thats contradicting?"

Ok based on who's standards?
What is a feminist?

"Feminism is a collection of movements and ideologies aimed at defining, establishing, and defending equal political, economic, cultural, and social rights for women.[1][2]"

You are definitely losing the point if you think being a stripper and a feminist a contridiciting.

Oh God the idiots that surround me.

Saying I can't be a feminist and a stripper is like saying you can't be Gay and believe in God and Jesus Christ.

Being a feminist can mean different things to different people. YEAH SOME feminists are against SEX WORKERS because they associate it WITH ABUSE AND SEX TRAFFICKING but its not THE SAME THING AT ALL. IF THE CLOSED STRIP CLUBS, I WOULD LOSE MY PRIMARY SOURCE OF INCOME.

IT IS MY JOB.

It's my job to sell a fantasy. It's my job to get these men to forget about their wives and I CHOSE this job as an outlet for my high sexual energy. This is the safest, most benefical and reasonable way for me to do that.

From http://finallyfeminism101.wordpress.com

"Put in the most simple terms, slut-shaming happens when a person “publicly or privately [insults] a woman because she expressed her sexuality in a way that does not conform with patriarchal expectations for women” (Kat, Slut-Shaming vs. Rape Jokes). It is enabled by the idea that a woman who carries the stigma of being a slut — ie. an “out-of-control, trampy female” — is “not worth knowing or caring about” (Tanenbaum, p. 240)."



I just can't handle it anymore.
Women are sexual creatures as are men.

GET THE FUCK OVER IT.

I can express my sexuality in any way I please, as long as I am informed, aware, and HAPPY AND COMFORTABLE WITH WHAT I AM DOING.

EVERYONE ELSE GO TO HELL.

This is It

I don't even know where to start

Should I start at the vicodin or the misoprostol
two between the cheeks
and

I am just alone
smoking weed


expelling the tissues of a baby
from the inside

to the outside

into my maxi pad.


What a way to go.

Hopefully

I don't know if I'm emotional because
A. I'm pregnant (kind of)
- dead baby inside waiting to come out
or
B. I am just sad

Marriage

10 year anniversary next month
and his eyes light up and I
hope
that one day,
that I meet that one person that I can have my
10 year anniversary with
and I hope his eyes light up.

Because right now I am weeping
for the girl who believes
in no
happy endings.

Go Along

Sometimes it gets frusturating when no one takes you seriously
No one listens to what you say or respects you

I mean I've dealt with this my whole life
passive and quiet
the "go along to get along girl"
I was that girl for quite a while

but then I was raped

And I changed my mind.


I was not going to "go along to get a long"
People take advantage,
the see weakness,
they see the empty waiting to be filled

but then that girl came back
and I am

stuck


with her.

I mean I'm just trying to get rid of that girl.

But see what I haven't figured out is,
how to get rid of that girl
without getting
rid
of
me.

Technically

What you think this is a joke?
My stomach hurting and my eyes watering
and the buldge in my throat?
You think this is a joke?
I guess whatever amuses you enough.
Who cares

Fuck my life because clearly
I do not matter.
That is what this life has taught me and
I have battled against it
I have fought until the death of me,

and so fuck you.
Fuck your "facts"
fuck your "geneology"
I don't need a graph, a web,
I don't need shit to know
That TECHNICALLY
he is my son
and TECHNICALLY
I grew and in my uterus and
shared his blood
and provided him with a life
and energy
and nutrients
for nine months.

so if you ask me
if you ask any damn body,
he is TECHNICALLY my son.

so "technically"
you hurt my feelings, for no reason
and "technically"
that was
unecessary
not valid
and blatantly hurtful and insensitive


"technically"
I'm done.
there is

Expended Energy

I've noticed that I have these periods of time
that are beginning to expand into
stretches
and not
moments
periods where I can't look anyone in the eye
for fear or more conversation
I can feel their eyes draining my energy
sucking it into their being as if they are entitled.
I have noticed that I have these periods of time
that are beginning to dwindle into
moments
and not
stretches
periods where I am full of joy
and everyone sees my teeth and my eyes bright and my legs moving and my mouth opening and closing making sounds that are interpreted into words.
period where
I can see the vibration of the trees and the sun intermingling and sustaining the harmony of this earth and seriously,
what is happening
to
those
periods
of
time

I don't know

This isn't a poem. This is a rant.
This is what I am going through. The emptiness in the pit of my stomach being filled by mindless articles of -
clothing,
makeup,
poles,
and fast food.
Yet the hole is never full and I always wonder why I feel like this. I always wonder why don't people see my pain and fall to their knees in disbelief like "how do you endure your own mind"
How do you get rid of yourself? Without getting rid of yourself I mean I want to live.
But not like this.
You know the feeling you get when your on stage and someone comes up with a dollar and you get down on all fours and shake your ass like never before and you slide you shorts down because you need that extra twenty dollars to pay the club so you can leave with enough to pay the minimum on the credit card.
You know that moment when you it's time to leave the club,
and you get one last $20 dance to go towards your house fees,
then that one late joe shows up and wants to do a $200 dollar dance and you cannot refuse even though you have to get up for work in 3 hours -
because you need to pay for that pregnancy test and the rest is necessary to fill the hole if it's positive I mean you ask me where my money is going but it's just going to the pit of my stomach and being shit out and shit on and why is this happening to me because I am still,
not happy.
You know that feeling when all of a sudden your bills are higher and the club is slower and you saw a girl fingering another girl for an extra 10 bucks I mean how does a clean dancer compete against that.
That feeling that you get that you know you don't have to do that. But you wonder,
how they do it?
That feeling when you realize school is about to start and your bills are going up and the girls are getting raunchier and you refuse to measure up and you feel alone and the baby is crying and now he's hungry but you're too tired and so the money leaves your hands and the chicken nuggets hit his mouth and you hate yourself.
What about that feeling when you are happy again but he's not. What about that feeling you get when you realize.
When you realize that you're alone and you know that you will never be understood and your tears are rolling down your face behind the desk but smiling on the stage.
You know that feeling?