I stretch myself out for people with nothing in return
I'm waiting for this fire to go out
when will I
be ok

But

My eyes are darker than the inside of my mind
I can't even imagine.
I always tell people I write, but I really don't.
I just jibber jabber my thoughts and the end result is usually twisted and sloppy
But I am still a writer.
Something consisitent about me,
which is a rare thing with me

consistent positibe attribute? No way
I'm tired of working at the club.
Everyone's bitching
Everyones's complaining
because business is up
but the funds are down
and it's annoying and we feel used and tired
I can speak for us all

I can't count how many times I heard
"I didn't even make 100 dollars tonight"
*gets tipped on stage*
"yay now I have 22 dollars"
I'm walking out with 200,
I might as well be a waitress.
Not at the club though.
They are leaving with close-to nothing, it's so sad to see.

Cuticles peeling
calloused hands
my feet smell terrible
my eyes are darker then his soul
and my sons hitting is getting worse

but I woke up today

Emotional Credit

Last night I put another charge on my card


But it was worth it

I Get It

I get it.
I would pay.

I could go to the club,
and pay to sit with a beautiful women
that pretended to care about me
and spill out my shit
and let her hold me
while I sobbed in the VIP

because I know she would be all about the money
and it would be a easy night

and I could feel comfort

what a business

So

Please help me

Last Night

"I didn't even get an ansaaa, I tried to call..."

Damn.

Last night was terrible.
No one ever wants to listen to me.

We have known eachother since we were kids we ALL know who is going to FUCK UP THE NIGHT if we FOLLOW THEIR LEAD.

But no.

No one wants to listen to me when I say "Are you sure?"

Anyways - We didn't even get into the club A.
& B the second club we went to was W A C K

and C everyone look like they just turned 18, the swag of the niggas is so child like I can't handle it.

It's time to work my connections to get into a damn cocktail lounge, let me pull these strings......

The next move will be my move and it will be on point.

It was so good to get around people though. The city has beautiful women so I got my game on fo' shoooo and it was just refreshing.

Was good seeing the ladies and yelling at niggas in cars, screaming numbers out the window. Aye.

Felt like I was 19 again..

oh wait...............

Clubbing

I will write about my experience tomorrow
I am going to the club for the first time
the first time without making money involved
I am nervous I hope I have a good time

oh god

Not Happy

I'm not happy with where I am
Where I'm not

Why a m I Sober?

Cheeks

The flesh in my mouth
is being torn away
piece by piece
inch by inch

I eat myself alive

holes in my face
iron taste
sticking to my teeth
but I can't stop and its

a n x i e t y

eating

me

alive

what

is

to

come

Black Eyes

Black my eyes
Bruise my heart
Redefine love in a way that seems
complicated

But my question is
What
if
It wasn't you
What if it was someone else and I threw
Vodka
in their face and what if their hand landed
and splattered my blood

How much would it anger you that I lay in the same bed as them, the same night.

Would you believe me if I said he didn't mean it?

No More Poetry

I was trying to write poetry but now it's turned into sort of a blog
I'll break it down like poetry
since it's
easier to read.

Anyways,
I am terrified
I don't know what is true anymore
am I as horrible as he makes me seem
because I feel like I am doing the best that I can

And apparently me doing the best that I can
is proving to you that I am not
AWESOME
and that
worries me

a lot


Am I really this
empty
and
unloving
selfish
person?

Because
I don't know what I will do
if I am, I mean I feel like that sometimes
but deep down I know I am worth something
and that I am able and capable and loving and
I have a lot of love to give but the problem is that

I can't forgive you.
I know I am dragging this on but
I think that's what it is I mean
that and other things like
your attitude towards things is so straight forward and crisp
your lack of playfullness, playfulness only comes out in bad situations and
what about your constant judging of me as a mother
a normal conversation between us -

What did he eat for dinner?
- broccoli, chicken nuggets and red potato fries
Good thing I left that chicken in the bag huh?
- no he had frozen chicken nuggets
Oh so he didn't eat well then

I give my son pure chicken breast only, organic, vitamen fortified chicken nuggets.

And this is how it goes
it's the same with his other children
"when she was living with me she didn't ----------- she wasn't -----------"
"ever since shes with her mother she ---------- and ------------- and her mother is putting all her own insecurities on her"

I know you can't forgive me either.
I lied, a lot. I broke down and broke you down, a lot.

I can forgive you for everything, except giving up on me when I was a child.
I can forgive you for everything, except for trying to constantly mold me.
I can forgive you for everything, except for not allowing me to grow with a father.

I tried to get past that, by trying to create something else.

This.

I tried to get past that by being a family in a different way.

This.

But all

This.

did was break us down even more and tear us apart.
We both wanted something that we were missing but instead now we have ended up with what we both wanted most in the beginning

each other.

man

What I don't get is why I feel like this
Where is my super hero waiting to sweep me because I am waiting

Then I'm like fuck that

I don't need shit!

I just need money and I work my ass off for that money
buying another wig today ighhhhhhhhhhh

my credit card bills though.
fuckinnggg helll I can't wait to get high.

I have to say

Why don't you ask Erica to bring your demon child up to see you
instead of asking me to bring my sweet angel,
I mean I am not trying to corrupt him with our arguments
we don't get along
I don't care anymore,
clearly.

I don't want to see you
or smell you
or hear you

you bring pain, judgement and hardness that I do not need

I have enough

You have enough children to see

pick another one

or

you can just give up on him too like you give up on the others like,
I don't care anymore what benefit are you
will you teach him how I drive for miles for sex drugs and alcohol

I hate you

Hate

I don't know
When people smile at me I just hold back tears
because I don't have any real smiles left

Jaded -

I'm done. With. It. All.

I only care about my son.
Everyone else literally can go to hell or pay me

either way

When he turns his back on me
I will have my money

and things will be ok
He won't be a baby forever

I'm that Bitch

Not in a good way

My favorite customers have a ring on their finger

My favorite stories involve brutality of a women

I masturbate to rape

It's so beautiful

Degrading

Apparently being a stripper is "degrading"
and I am "too good" and "worth more

But am I have a desk job too,
I think I am worth enough to be able to go to the bathroom without getting in trouble
I should be able to wipe my ass after

but I can't because the phone is ringing and if it rings more than 3 times I get written up

It doesn't matter if I wipe my ass or wash my hands.

I guess my time is worth 12 dollars per hour
I guess it's worth it to be constantly taken for granted

ridiculed this way and that
make cookies at ten but don't leave your desk
make sure the bistro is stocked but dont leave your desk

I guess thats what I'm worth

at least if I'm a stripper and I need to take a shit I can do it whenever I want without any repercussions I mean imagine that.

This is my life

Finally

Horny
As hell today

aayyyee

Ready to get my sexy on

Hello niggas I am ready to take that money
Let's put this sexy to use.

No Seriously

Why aren't male prostitutes shamed for letting women suck their dicks?

OH YEAH I FORGOT

What

One day
I will meet someone
Who thinks like me and feels like me

and then I will know that there is some good in the world because
right now


There Is No Hope

I REFUSE to conform to your idealistic expectations of what a women should be and will CONTINOUSLY REBEL to make my point and I will CONTINOUSLY MEET different women for all walks of life to reassure them,


and tell them
to remember to
say

fuck you


do not conform.

Feminism

I am getting more and more annoyed
and want to rebel more and more
and get my white shirt and get it wet and walk through the frozen section of the grocery store and say fuck you to everyone that is looking at me funny

Oh God I can't even get into this without becoming extremely enraged.

"You can't be a stripper and a feminist thats contradicting?"

Ok based on who's standards?
What is a feminist?

"Feminism is a collection of movements and ideologies aimed at defining, establishing, and defending equal political, economic, cultural, and social rights for women.[1][2]"

You are definitely losing the point if you think being a stripper and a feminist a contridiciting.

Oh God the idiots that surround me.

Saying I can't be a feminist and a stripper is like saying you can't be Gay and believe in God and Jesus Christ.

Being a feminist can mean different things to different people. YEAH SOME feminists are against SEX WORKERS because they associate it WITH ABUSE AND SEX TRAFFICKING but its not THE SAME THING AT ALL. IF THE CLOSED STRIP CLUBS, I WOULD LOSE MY PRIMARY SOURCE OF INCOME.

IT IS MY JOB.

It's my job to sell a fantasy. It's my job to get these men to forget about their wives and I CHOSE this job as an outlet for my high sexual energy. This is the safest, most benefical and reasonable way for me to do that.

From http://finallyfeminism101.wordpress.com

"Put in the most simple terms, slut-shaming happens when a person “publicly or privately [insults] a woman because she expressed her sexuality in a way that does not conform with patriarchal expectations for women” (Kat, Slut-Shaming vs. Rape Jokes). It is enabled by the idea that a woman who carries the stigma of being a slut — ie. an “out-of-control, trampy female” — is “not worth knowing or caring about” (Tanenbaum, p. 240)."



I just can't handle it anymore.
Women are sexual creatures as are men.

GET THE FUCK OVER IT.

I can express my sexuality in any way I please, as long as I am informed, aware, and HAPPY AND COMFORTABLE WITH WHAT I AM DOING.

EVERYONE ELSE GO TO HELL.

This is It

I don't even know where to start

Should I start at the vicodin or the misoprostol
two between the cheeks
and

I am just alone
smoking weed


expelling the tissues of a baby
from the inside

to the outside

into my maxi pad.


What a way to go.

Hopefully

I don't know if I'm emotional because
A. I'm pregnant (kind of)
- dead baby inside waiting to come out
or
B. I am just sad

Marriage

10 year anniversary next month
and his eyes light up and I
hope
that one day,
that I meet that one person that I can have my
10 year anniversary with
and I hope his eyes light up.

Because right now I am weeping
for the girl who believes
in no
happy endings.

Go Along

Sometimes it gets frusturating when no one takes you seriously
No one listens to what you say or respects you

I mean I've dealt with this my whole life
passive and quiet
the "go along to get along girl"
I was that girl for quite a while

but then I was raped

And I changed my mind.


I was not going to "go along to get a long"
People take advantage,
the see weakness,
they see the empty waiting to be filled

but then that girl came back
and I am

stuck


with her.

I mean I'm just trying to get rid of that girl.

But see what I haven't figured out is,
how to get rid of that girl
without getting
rid
of
me.

Technically

What you think this is a joke?
My stomach hurting and my eyes watering
and the buldge in my throat?
You think this is a joke?
I guess whatever amuses you enough.
Who cares

Fuck my life because clearly
I do not matter.
That is what this life has taught me and
I have battled against it
I have fought until the death of me,

and so fuck you.
Fuck your "facts"
fuck your "geneology"
I don't need a graph, a web,
I don't need shit to know
That TECHNICALLY
he is my son
and TECHNICALLY
I grew and in my uterus and
shared his blood
and provided him with a life
and energy
and nutrients
for nine months.

so if you ask me
if you ask any damn body,
he is TECHNICALLY my son.

so "technically"
you hurt my feelings, for no reason
and "technically"
that was
unecessary
not valid
and blatantly hurtful and insensitive


"technically"
I'm done.
there is

Expended Energy

I've noticed that I have these periods of time
that are beginning to expand into
stretches
and not
moments
periods where I can't look anyone in the eye
for fear or more conversation
I can feel their eyes draining my energy
sucking it into their being as if they are entitled.
I have noticed that I have these periods of time
that are beginning to dwindle into
moments
and not
stretches
periods where I am full of joy
and everyone sees my teeth and my eyes bright and my legs moving and my mouth opening and closing making sounds that are interpreted into words.
period where
I can see the vibration of the trees and the sun intermingling and sustaining the harmony of this earth and seriously,
what is happening
to
those
periods
of
time

I don't know

This isn't a poem. This is a rant.
This is what I am going through. The emptiness in the pit of my stomach being filled by mindless articles of -
clothing,
makeup,
poles,
and fast food.
Yet the hole is never full and I always wonder why I feel like this. I always wonder why don't people see my pain and fall to their knees in disbelief like "how do you endure your own mind"
How do you get rid of yourself? Without getting rid of yourself I mean I want to live.
But not like this.
You know the feeling you get when your on stage and someone comes up with a dollar and you get down on all fours and shake your ass like never before and you slide you shorts down because you need that extra twenty dollars to pay the club so you can leave with enough to pay the minimum on the credit card.
You know that moment when you it's time to leave the club,
and you get one last $20 dance to go towards your house fees,
then that one late joe shows up and wants to do a $200 dollar dance and you cannot refuse even though you have to get up for work in 3 hours -
because you need to pay for that pregnancy test and the rest is necessary to fill the hole if it's positive I mean you ask me where my money is going but it's just going to the pit of my stomach and being shit out and shit on and why is this happening to me because I am still,
not happy.
You know that feeling when all of a sudden your bills are higher and the club is slower and you saw a girl fingering another girl for an extra 10 bucks I mean how does a clean dancer compete against that.
That feeling that you get that you know you don't have to do that. But you wonder,
how they do it?
That feeling when you realize school is about to start and your bills are going up and the girls are getting raunchier and you refuse to measure up and you feel alone and the baby is crying and now he's hungry but you're too tired and so the money leaves your hands and the chicken nuggets hit his mouth and you hate yourself.
What about that feeling when you are happy again but he's not. What about that feeling you get when you realize.
When you realize that you're alone and you know that you will never be understood and your tears are rolling down your face behind the desk but smiling on the stage.
You know that feeling?

Supposed

I'm supposed to be
innocent
bearing
or
I'm supposed to be keeping my clothes on
and staying to myself
and not collecting
dollars in my panties.
I'm supposed to be who I'm not
I'm supposed to care about that
I'm supposed to think that I am wrong
I am supposed to think that

Bordom

I don't even think I spelled it right.
What were you thinking about on the flight?
That you would hold me
Capture me

Find the thing you have been longing for
within me

Is that why you are inside me?

I mean,
it's beautiful and
scary
but
is it

just because.

because if its just because
its just because
but where
why

this wasn't how it was
but I guess its just because.

Probably

Distance was what held us,
whether we knew it or not
the tie was only a portion of what we could feel
or regcognize
the thought aroused me
face
breath
deeper than any imagination could fathom
we were one intertwined in a million
we were three joking
mocking
the
universe
because
we knew
we
werent
us
but we were you and you were they and they were us
but
we were one or collective
or
just
sustaining
the entire planet, I mean without you
everything would be different
without you that tree might not be growing
giving of breath
of life
and that breath
would not be recycles into
life
your body would not bear the
unborn
child
or
seed
or spawn
or body that envelopes a massive energy that is
connected with
life
that
is life.

Choice

Don't worry I won't give up
and that means
I will win
and you probably
won't be happy about it.

Hollowed be Thy Name

It's an interesting feeling
being alone
having a son
working all the time
It's that accomplishment but yearning
steadily
for
some
acknowledgement
then what?
Now what?
NOW WHAT?
My body is swaying,
playing,
fighting
yearning
for
acknowlegment
yearning
for
love
from
that
person
that
does
NOT
exist
because
I am a distant thought
in a altered reality
and this
is not real.

4th of July

I don't know how to feel
Should I be happy?
I don't know how to feel
All my life
I have felt
Different
Alone
What is wrong with me?
ON
it
always
wins.

Now I'm like
I like this -
this is dangerous.
This is so fucking dangerous,
but fire is so beautiful,
why not play with it,
like the fourth of july.

Death

Money
this
person
must
die.
for
it
to
be made

The Reflection

If you are aware
You will notice the change of the world around you
when your mind is clouded
with
death
You will notice
They love dissipating
and the disdain intergrating
you will notice the tone in your voice changing
and the hardness of your character
you will notice the state of your mind
reflected as your reality
did you want break the windows yesterday?
or is the choas in your mind yearning
yearning
yearning
to be acknowledged
is it
yearning
to be shown
and grown
and reflected
planted
thriving
in reality.

One of Those Days

Anxiety
This is something new for me
or maybe not
just recognizable now due to a new awareness
in my conciousness
you know
bouncing legs
turning stomachs
rage
hurt
the feeling or destroying
destroying everything before it destroys you
throbbing head
energy clogs the throat
darting eyes
wanting to die away
just for the day
I mean I just want it to end
How many fucking times
is this the evolution

I Am

Your eyes
They seriously look like the sky
Stop throwing the ball out the tub
Sit down
Sit down
I love you
This
IS
my Life

Cope

I just want to talk to someone who takes in all my pain for me
and hold it so I don't have to feel it anymore.

I always say look inside yourself for joy
But what if your self doesn't want to be joyous
What if wallowing is the best way to survive

Coping Mechanisms
Say fuck you
to everyone
even yourself

I can't Take It Anymore

I used to Say Fuck My Life

It begins like this
You are here
I guess here
But I'm not that's the probably between
the lines that I have drawn
I can choose to be oOk.
I want to say fuck you because I hate me and
I don't
The way that I feel
I am fucking with my own mind
I am creating a hell that I oh so miss
That I oh so adore
Excuses to be nasty and to release hell into the
minds of others
so I can eventually smile since it is all spewed.
skewed.
minconstrued.
my stomach hurts and I want to slit my wrists so I can forget it later.
But where is the light
LIGHT AND LOVE
the flow of infinity
that always is within me
patted down for this misery
I know that it is not meant to be
but for me -
this is where it has to be.

Queen

He really did.
"You don't know how to be worshipped my queen?"
He really did.
What is he doing.
I have to laugh,
because little does he know,
I will tear him apart.
Because he has not met,
A queen.
He has met a dictator.
who pretends to be a queen
and those who live in illusion
are an illusion.

It's such a basic idea.

You Cut Me Off

You hurt my feelings I really want you to know.
I understand.
I really want you to know,
but -
I never loved you.
I think you realized this.
We were fillers -
maybe
caught in an illusion.
but,
you were my friend.
I miss you now.
Becuase you were my friend.

Untitled

I just can't bear to think;
Of my life witout you.

Another Love Story, Damn

I don't even know what to say.
I always want to be poetic but sometimes I try too hard
When I don't try
is when it's beautiful.
I guess life is like that too.
Be.

I saw you and you held me with your gaze,
as usual.
You asked me did I come near you -
I guess you noticed,
but I didn't.
I am detached,
In a good way.

This world - your world
is no longer mine.
I reside on another plane where everything is moving
switching
blinking
how could I notice,
such a trivial thing
as I am traveling through your being.

Without you knowing.

How could I notice a brush of the arm -
when I am disconnected from this plane
swaying in your ether.

or maybe not.

This is not a love story.
This is....
This is just not a love story..

Story's have endings.

I don't think energy can be destroyed.
That's the only way I exist with you.

Reco

I Didn't Know

I didn't know I was a poet
Until I looked at my poetry

Labels

I hate them. You know when you are in highschool and they label you - fat, slut, pretty.

Labels man.

Words with associated perceptions, it's ridiculous. To use a word - to put someone in a box.
HOW CAN YOU PUT SOMEONE INTO A BOX?

STUPID, SMART.
Our ever expanding conciousness is limited to being percieved by whatever word is associated based on how outside conciousness or mirrored conciousness or the outside world - that energy that is placed in other bodies - perceives us.

I can't get with it.

STRAIGHT, GAY.
Men are so afraid of the word. Men are so afraid of the word.

UGLY.
Women, are so, afraid of this word.

All these labels.

I won't stop until we can flow as a collective human energy;

as is.
FREE.

Something Important

I have been wanting to say this for a while.

I am my own religon.
Origin: 1150–1200; Middle English religioun (< Old French religion ) < Latin religiōn- (stem of religiō ) conscientiousness, piety, equivalent to relig ( āre ) to tie, fasten ( re- re- + ligāre to bind, tie; cf. ligament) + -iōn- -ion; cf. rely

Simplicity:
I am God because we are God and it is God and God is everything.
The energy that gives us spirit and life.
The energy that allows us to empathize,
THAT allows us to look into your lovers eyes and see the depths of the world and feel the sorrow of their story and the joy of their journey.
We are God -
Life is God.
Connection:
Affection:
Disruption:
Destruction:
We are God.
and YET (yes, I had to do it)
We Place The Blame on Something Other than Ourselves.
Can you not feel the connection, can you not feel the light running through your veins, don't you feel yourself beating your heart and pumping your blood and running your digestive system and feeding the plants with your breath.

You feed the plants with you breath.

Haunted in Nighttime

Haunting me like a spell like that fucking entity sitting on my shoulders. Causing sub concious cramps and aches from the dead - low vibrational energies that stem from that dead weight.

that kind of stomach turning I-Hope-This-Ends-Soon-I'm-Tired-of-Feeling-Like-This
"Am I going to puke?"

Shit. I'm tired of feeling like this.

I'm tired of trying to measure up and be liked. I'm tired of being the odd ball in the room and the one that just wants to fit in , the one that craves the attention - then runs away from the stares.

Fucking contradictions.

Labels.

So much easier just to be.

So much easier just to be,

me.

Hallucinations

I think these thoughts and its like
consuming.
Why do I feel so alone?
But I am adored by all.
The beauty isn't real though,
you were talking about baggage.
The notion that lingers in my mind - I think I'm better
I'm a better lover
Better at understanding, relating.
But the baggage.
Is that the baggage?
The self-esteem that is not full & complete
but full of self notions that dissolve without attention:
can't be in my own company,
listen to me own song.
Am I really that dope?
I hope.

5 Minute Boyfriend

I met you.
I liked you.
Then I didn't.
The end.

I

I am not fancy with words.
I do not use a lot of analogys.
I am not witty or clever.
I am simple with words.
You know it needs to be said.
So I say it.
That's why,
we think it's so beautiful.

For the Complicated Lovers

This thing.
You know when you pulled me away,
and I pushed forward.
I pushed you away and you
came closer.
We aren't together.
We aren't apart.
We aren't committed.
Your stomach turned when you found out what I did.
My heart broke when you found out what I did.
Yet
you're still here.
Yet,
I still care.
Even though,
I said,
you.
Even though,
I said,
You mean nothing to me.
Even though,
I didn't mean it.
Even though,
I didn't mean it.
Even though,
you're still here.
Yet,
are you really?

God in Christianity

Stop giving him all the credit.
YOU CONQUORED THAT MOUNTAIN WITH YOUR INNER STRENGTH.


"Your decisions.
Your joy.
Your grief."

Look inwardly, not outwardly.

Being the Best You

Just do what you want.

Live in the moment.
Past_____you_______Future

My Mind of Anxiety

These are the thoughts that go through this womens mind.

Oh no.
Thank God.
OH no.
Hide.
Hide.
Hide.
Stay hidden.
Important people.

Personal

I don't know why I am writing this. Maybe because my stomach hurts and I have a lot to say. So much to say that the words won't even touch my tounge. The words don't even exist. That's it. I'm going to make it. I am a writer with a small vocabulary and no will to write. But just because, I want it. I got it. Ya feel me?

Ether

Bare bodies without any thought
The body becomes an accessory when you are touching the ether.

I don't feel your hands anymore.
I can feel your light coming within me.

This makes me question////////

Don't Read This it's Private

Something that makes my stomach turn.

My vagina sweat.

Something.
You.

Sex with Many Men

"Women are not supposed to be simutaneously fucking multiple men."
because then you're a slut
I never wanted to be a slut.
So I spaced my men out.
This was OK.
Never 2 men same month.

Always, trying to, be, wifed.
This took away my power.

So when you left, I decided, to take my power back.
It's only a physical body and it's my physical body pressed against another physical body.

The energies won't pass because there will be none.
But there is vibration in everything.
Ignorance.

Years ago
I didn't know the difference between

intimacy vs sex
fucking vs making Love
body vs energy

Up until recently.

A love of my life anchored himself 2,325 miles away from me.

Shift.

Change.

Then came the decsion. I am going to branch out and explore myself and others

Sex with 3 people in one week.

Being 1. Intimacy
I can do this.
Being 2. Fucking
I don't know.
Being 3. Body, Intimacy, Fucking, EMOTION - ENERGY
This can't work.

Bacterial Vaginosis.

"Women are not supposed to be simutaneously fucking multiple men."
because your body knows.
That you are not supposed to be fucking multiple men.

Vinyasa

Vinyasa Yoga

Funny how the universe never fails to connect me to everything that I yearn to be connected to.

Vinyasa yoga: linking each yoga position or asana with a certain concious awareness of each asana.

Vinyasa life: linking each position in life with a certain concious awareness of each position.

Our conversation: "People these days do yoga..." The ocean like sound of breath flowing from his nostrils reminded me of the tranquil energy that would soon wrap my being. "...to experience an outcome... never knowing that yoga is not made to enjoy the outcome, yoga is made to enjoy yoga."

Doesn't this sound like the predicament of most of our lives?

Life isn't to enjoy the outcome of our experiences. Life is to enjoy the present moment, the beautiful tranquil conciousness of all of our experiences. The moment.
The now.